To those who want a real woman, not Wonder Woman

Hi there, I hear you. I’d like a real woman too, you know, someone who represents me. I’d like it to be a woman with a real job. I wor...

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Hi there, I hear you. I’d like a real woman too, you know, someone who represents me.

I’d like it to be a woman with a real job. I work for a global humanitarian agency, so you've plenty of scope. There’s even some solid contenders with an established profile. I’d offer up Angelina Jolie or Emma Watson, but, you know, being celebrities, I’m not sure they’re real, down-with-the-people contenders for the role (and sheesh, they’re already busy with their own UN agency portfolios). What’s the name of the women you didn’t give a Secretary-General gig to? They’ll do.

I’d like them to be a mother, but specifically a stepmother. I know. A mother would be warm and fuzzy, wouldn’t it, but it’s not really me. I didn’t give birth to the children I raised and, quite frankly, I’m jack of all the marketing that smugly plays on maternal bonds. The wicked stepmother stereotype could do with some UN PR to help turn it around. Get on that, would ya.

They can’t be too glam. I know it’s good for the cameras, but I get up at 6am in the morning to commute to work, two hours away, and I don’t have a lot of time for glam - or heels. It’s a bit of a hike to the train station. Your real woman will need to wear flats.

Your real woman can’t live anywhere too fancy. Comfortable is okay. Maybe, to appeal to the masses, you could collaborate with The Block and have the contestants do a tidy overhaul of your Ambassador's house. She’d probably like a better kitchen because I am sure when she gets home from sorting out forced marriage, trafficking, poor secondary education rates and female genital mutilation - Lord, bless her - she’ll want to cook up a well-balanced meal for the whole family. Hang on, FGM’s a tricky one, maybe to save her time we can swing her a Lite’N’Easy meal plan.

Speaking of, this Ambassador or yours, she can’t be too skinny. Let’s be honest, if you wanted skinny, you’d have picked Barbie. That woman has had so many successful careers and is so widely known the body image backlash must have been what stopped her getting the gig. Look, I get it. Barbie doesn’t represent me. She doesn’t represent any woman. (She does seem empowered and powerful though, you might want to go back to your brainstorming notes.)

Oh, this is a big one. To really represent me your real woman is lesbian. I know, I know, the whole plebiscite, marriage equality thing is going to be a pretty big detractor, but you wanted real women and, hell, I need your Ambassador to be a working, gay, public transport-using stepmother, too stretched for time to do her hair in the morning and living off the occasional meal of baked beans and toast. For authenticity, you can throw in two grandkids, ageing parents, postgrad study and a second mortgage and we’ll call it quits.

This woman of yours needs to be a freakin’ wonder woman.

Oh, you picked Wonder Woman. Well done you. As you were. Sorry to interrupt those Mosul and Syria things.

Yours, a (lower case w) wonder woman.

PS: The other case for choosing a real woman (that I can't agree with).

Image source: Catherine & Sarah Satrun, of Satrun Twins Art Shop, on Etsy

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